Part Three: The Script

Keeping the "Art" in FArt Jokes (Working Title)

Scene 1: School’s Argument

The fifth graders of South Park Elementary, including Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman, are in art class. Art supplies (scissors, crayons, construction paper, glue) are strewn about the tables at which the children sit. A poster on the back wall reads “Keep the Art in Smart.”

Cartman (happily rocking back and forth, practically singing the lines): “Friday art class/Friday art class/I love art so much/because art is super cool/especially on Friday…”

Kyle: “Cartman, you only like Friday art class because Ms. McGee gives us Twizzlers on Friday, you fatass.”

Cartman: “Screw you! I am not fat—Ms. McGee says I’m ‘Ruben-esque.’”

A new teacher enters the classroom; the children respond with puzzled looks.

New Teacher (chirpily): “Hello children, I’m your new art teacher, Ms. Adkins. Now I’d like you all to take out your toothpicks and Elmers glue—today we’re making toothpick sculptures!”

All the children in the class sit motionless, staring blankly at Ms. Adkins.

Stan: “Ummm, where’s Ms. McGee?”

Ms. Adkins: “Ms. McGee won’t be teaching you art anymore; I will. Now let’s all get some toothpicks and start thinking about what we want to…”

Cartman (interrupting, trying to control himself, but clearly pissed): “Look lady, I don’t know who you are or why you’re here, but I don’t see any goddamn Twizzlers. So why don’t you just go get Ms. McGee and bring her back here and we can forget that this unpleasantness ever happened, ok?”

Stan: “Yeah, what happened to Ms. McGee? She was like the only cool teacher at this school. Is she ok?”

Ms. Adkins: “Oh dear, I can see I’m going to have to explain this all to you. Ms. McGee won’t be teaching you art anymore because the school has fired her. You see children, last week, when Ms. McGee took you to the South Park Museum of Art, some students saw nude artworks that parents found very objectionable. Some parents who found out that their children had been exposed to nudity on a school field trip told Principal Victoria about the incident, and Principal Victoria fired Ms. McGee.”

Kyle: “What?! Who the hell told on Ms. McGee? Whose ignorant redneck parents got her fired?”

Ms. Adkins: “The parents have chosen to remain anonymous. The school respects everyone’s rights to privacy. Parents have to feel comfortable voicing their concerns and shouldn’t have to worry that…”

Kyle: “So the school fired Ms. McGee just because some cowardly ignorant hillbillies got mad about their kids seeing naked statues?”

Ms. Adkins (sternly): “Now Kyle, those parents are not ignorant hillbillies; they voiced valid concerns and it was the school’s responsibility to respond to those concerns as it did. You see children, parents have a very difficult and important job; they have to figure out what kinds of things are appropriate for their kids to see, and what things aren’t. It’s especially important for them to protect you from sexual material that is inappropriate for your age and for the values your parents want you to have. The school takes its responsibility to parents very seriously; we respect and support all parents’ rights to make their own choices about what sexual material their children should and shouldn’t see. That means that whenever their child might be exposed to something offensive, like the nude statues at the museum, teachers must notify that child’s parents, so that the parent can make an informed, responsible decision.

When Ms. McGee allowed students to see nude art at the museum, without informing their parents of it, she failed in her duty as a teacher and betrayed those parents’ trust. She took away those parent’s right to decide what’s appropriate for you to see; it was disrespectful and irresponsible. Our school’s greatest asset is that parents can trust our judgment when it comes their children’s safety, both physical and emotional. When she showed you nude artworks, Ms. McGee lost parents’ trust, both in herself and in the school. Ms. McGee displayed such a serious lack of judgment that it called into question her fitness as a teacher, both in the eyes of the parents who entrusted their children to her and in the eyes of her fellow teachers and South Park Elementary staff. Her disrespect for parents’ rights and her irresponsible conduct have no place at this school. Now, I can promise you I won’t make the same mistakes she made, and I’m sure we’re going to get along just wonderfully!”

Stan: “This is total bullcrap! We love Ms. McGee! They can’t fire her because some kids saw an old statue’s nuts!”

Kyle: “Yeah, she was the best teacher at this school! She actually made art class kind of fun. Everyone else at this school is either boring as hell or a raging bitch!”

Kenny: [Indecipherable muffled exasperated speech]

Cartman (his face slightly uncomprehending but extremely serious): “So, let me see if I’ve got this straight. You will now be the one giving us Twizzlers on Friday?”

Ms. Adkins: “Oh no, I don’t believe in rewarding kids with candy. But if you do a really good job, you can have a sticker. You can choose between a unicorn and a rainbow!”

Cartman (to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, dead serious): “We’ve got to get rid of this bitch.”

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Scene 2: Chef’s Spooked

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are in line at lunch. They come up to take their trays from Chef.

Chef: “Hello children. How’s it going?”

Stan: “Bad Chef.”

Chef: “Why bad?”

Kyle: “Those assholes fired Ms. McGee, just because on our field trip kids saw some naked statues and junk. We think it’s total crap and we miss Ms. McGee.”

Chef: “Now, children, what Ms. McGee did was a bad, bad thing. School is no place for children to be learning about sex or looking at naked people. You should concentrate on learning arithmetic and grammar. Dirty pictures don’t have any place in your education. You just get that smut, and Ms. McGee, out of your head.”

Cartman: “Well can’t you sing us a song to help us feel better Chef?”

Chef: “No. Now enjoy your Salisbury steak.”

Stan: “But Chef, usually we come to you with a problem and you sing us a song about making sweet love down by the fire…”

Chef (nervous and agitated, interrupting, speaking very loudly as if someone might be listening in): “Now don’t talk crazy like that children! I’d never do anything like that. You shouldn’t joke about that sort of thing! Now you kids run along.”

Kyle: “What are you talking about Chef? You love making sweet love down by the fire with your and…”

Chef (loud angry whisper): “Will you shut up! Are you children trying to get me fired? Now get out of here and don’t you say nothing about no ‘making love’ and no ‘fireplace’ to nobody, got it!?”

Startled, the children take their trays and walk away.

Stan: “Jesus. What the hell’s wrong with Chef?”

Kyle: “Don’t you see? Now that Ms. McGee got fired for letting kids see those naked statues, all the teachers are scared they’re going to fired too if they say or do something that offends someone’s parents and then they get ratted out.”

Stan: “Dude, that sucks.”

Cartman: “What so now no Twizzlers and Chef’s not talking to us? Son of a bitch!”

Kenny: Indecipherable mumbling

Kyle: “I agree, Kenny, this is bullcrap. We’ve got to do something about it.”

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